


Why Shepard and Tali Should Not Be Allowed to Drink

by kamenhero25



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Shenanigans, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21673351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamenhero25/pseuds/kamenhero25
Summary: Garrus tries to be a good boyfriend, he really does.  So when he gets a drunken text from his girlfriend, he of course goes to make sure she's okay.  He really should have let her be.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Female Shepard/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Garrus Vakarian/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya
Comments: 10
Kudos: 91





	Why Shepard and Tali Should Not Be Allowed to Drink

Garrus liked to think that he had gotten a lot better at romance. It just took practice and dedication, like any of the other skills he’d learned over the years. It also helped that he had a virtual goddess to inspire him to try to sweep her off her feet. There were still times when Shepard managed to surprise him though so he had to keep on his toes if he wanted to be a good boyfriend. But work had to come first every once in a while, which meant running the same diagnostics on the Normandy’s weapon systems rather than cuddling with the captain in her cabin on her day off. Still, the sooner he was done, the sooner he could go visit. Of course, Shepard was rarely the type to play by the rules. His communicator beeped twice as a message came through and he saw Shepard’s screen name pop up in the corner of his display. The turian grinned and tapped his omnitool.

_ComdShep: He Grrs Qr Shulf tOllu hv a Talli smfwch_

Garrus stared at the holographic display for a good thirty seconds, mouthing the sounds and wondering if this was some human slang that he’d never been introduced to. Shepard had once said that ‘street’ talk was very different from most of what you’d run into out in the colonies or on the Citadel. Still, he was fairly sure that even the heaviest human slang was more than a mishmash of letters. “EDI,” he finally said out loud.

The AI’s shipboard avatar flickered into view above his terminal. “Yes Garrus? How can I help?”

“Can you tell me where Shepard is right now?”

There was a moment as EDI presumably checked her sensors. “Commander Shepard is currently in the crew lounge with Admiral Tali’Zorah. Would you like me to page them for you?”

Well, that was one word sorted. “No, I think I should go make sure they’re not having too much fun at the bar. Can you monitor the diagnostic scanner in case something comes up?”

“Of course,” EDI replied. “Given the current state of the systems, I should be able to handle all further diagnostics for the evening. If you wish to end your shift early, you should have no further priorities.”

Garrus’s mandibles clicked as he sighed. “Thanks EDI. Let me know if something unusual comes up and I’ll be back down to work it out.”

“Understood. Logging you out. Enjoy your evening, Garrus.” The avatar vanished and Garrus flicked the screen off to let the program run in the background while he made his way up to the crew deck.

The doors to the lounge slid open to the sound of feminine giggling and Garrus felt a momentary shiver run down his spine. Shepard didn’t giggle. Laugh, chuckle, scoff, absolutely, but not giggle. He braced himself and stepped into the room. “Jane? Tali?”

The smell of alcohol, a lot of alcohol, immediately hit his nose and he saw both women hunched over the bar, whispering conspiratorially to each other. “Heeeeyyy~” Tali’s voice slurred a bit as she half turned and nearly lost her balance on the bar stool for a moment. “Look Shepard, it’s Garrus. We were just talking about you.” The quarian trailed off in a fit of giggles.

“Good things, I hope,” Garrus tried to joke as he walked over and took the stool at the end of the bar. Apparently drunk Tali thought it was hilarious because she broke down in another fit of giggles as he sat next to her. He glanced over and saw a bottle of turian brandy with a long straw poking out of the neck. Good stuff, the kind that he’d get his father as a gift. Beyond that, Shepard had a bottle of what he recalled was a human whiskey in her hand and was pouring herself another shot glass full. Given how empty the bottle looked, it was far from her first.

“Veery, good things,” Shepard added with a chuckle as she hammered down the shot and sighed contently. “You’re such a good guy. Did you sneak off work just to come see little old me?”

If he couldn’t see the half empty bottle and the flush on his girlfriend’s cheeks, Garrus would have almost believed she was still sober. “No, but I did finish up early so I could come and make sure you weren’t doing anything you’ll regret later.”

Shepard laughed again. “Aww. Anyone who believes that bad boy cop attitude isn’t an act has never seen what a softie you are.” She blew him a kiss behind Tali’s back, earning a little giggle from the mechanic.

“Not _all_ soft, I hope,” Tali added with a giggle that could only be described as naughty. Garrus was rather proud that he only broken down into a surprised coughing fit for a few seconds.

Shepard grinned and got a distant look in her eye. “Oh, definitely not soft in the right places.”

“Uh, Shepard, maybe that’s not the best thing to talk about…” Garrus felt his body heating up and tugged at the collar of his uniform.

The commander just laughed. “It’s fine, honey. It’s Tali. She’s soooo cute. And…” Shepard stopped and looked around like there might be someone else to overhear them. “I liiike her too.”

Garrus’s brain came to a grinding halt for a second. “Really?” he managed to choke out when his facility for language returned.

“Tha’s right,” Tali declared proudly before taking another sip of brandy. “Im adorafle.” She giggled and leaned over so she was pressed against Garrus’s shoulder. “Wanna know a seecret?” The turian could only nod dumbly. “I like her toooo.” Another manic giggle. “Don’t worry though. She still likes you.”

“Good to know,” Garrus managed, not quite sure how to process what he was hearing.

“Wanna know another secret?” Tali continued, heedless of his obvious bafflement. “I liiike you too. You’re both so _hot_.”

Garrus very strongly considered reaching across the bar for another bottle of brandy and getting started on it. “Really?” He would forever deny this his voice went up in pitch.

“We’re a regular celebrity power couple,” Shepard teased. “Hot, famous, dangerous…” She popped the top button of her uniform and let the pale skin of her neck show through.

The turian bit back a low rumble from his throat and fought down the desire to mark the exposed flesh. “We’re not exactly what you’d call traditional celebrities,” he muttered, hoping, probably in vain, that he could get the drunken conversation moving in a different direction.

“We’re still a power couple,” Shepard replied with a cute little pout that melted Garrus’s heart every, rare, time that she used it. “But ya know, couples are kinda overrated.” Wait, what? “Trios on the other hand…”

Oh look, that funny choking sound was back again. “Shepard, I think you are very, very drunk.”

Shepard just laughed at him. “I can hold my liquor just fine.” She started pouring another shot with surprising accuracy before deciding to just take a drink straight from the bottle. “Come on, don’t you think she’s adorable? I could just eat her up.” The red-head grinned as she leaned over and pulled the engineer over to lean on her shoulder instead.

“Mmmmm,” Tali sighed. “Being the meat in a Shepard-Vakarain sandwich…” She giggled again and Garrus had a distinct feeling she was blushing. “You could eat me all you wanted.”

Garrus said nothing for a few moments before removing the bottles from both of the women’s hands. “I think both of you have had enough for tonight.” He paused for a moment then took a long drink from Tali’s bottle.

“What, are you gonna run me in for drunk and disorderly, Officer Vakarian?” Shepard’s eyebrow wiggled playfully.

Garrus was whipped and he knew it, but there were times when he had to make a stand. “Only if you don’t go to bed like a good girl and sleep it off.”

Shepard gave him a look that meant she was definitely taking that as a challenge. “And what if I feel like being a bad girl instead? I did run with a gang you know. I could be a dangerous criminal.”

“Ooooo,” Tali interrupted. “She’s riiight. She does hang around with a quarian _suit rat_ after all.”

Garrus tugged at his collar again and contemplated hammering down more of the bottle. Some of the human porn he’d… studied had included things like this, but they’d never actually _tried_ anything like it before. “Now’s not really the time for this,” he added lamely.

“You better make time, Officer Vakarian,” Shepard interrupted with a playful growl and she got to her feet, nearly making Tali fall over as she suddenly lost a shoulder to lean on, and wrapped her arms around him. “Because the Normandy bad girls know what they want.”

Spirit help him if that didn’t do _things_ to him. “Tha’s right,” Tali said as she turned and all but threw herself across his lap. “So what are you gonna do about it?”

\------------------------------

“I like where this is going.”

Garrus hadn’t known it was possible to regret every single one of his life choices at the same time, but it did seem to be a day for learning new things. First and foremost, he was regretting finding a few pairs of cuffs to get Shepard and Tali moving toward the elevator properly. Granted, he had no other way to actually keep them from trying to go back to the bar or grabbing at him in… places other than trying to throw a special ops trained cyborg and a tech genius in a high tech armored suit over his shoulders and trying to carry them without dropping someone. But he’d also never managed to make himself feel like a pervert until today so maybe it was time to start question his decisions. “The only place we’re going is to the captain’s quarters so you two can get some sleep,” he insisted firmly, trying not to look at the expression on Shepard’s face as he guided the two women to the elevator.

“Ooooo.” Tali giggled again and Garrus really wished she’d stop doing that. “A private interrogation in the captain’s quarters. Are you going to give us a _thorough_ search, officer?”

Garrus clenched his mouth and forced himself to look straight ahead. He recited a couple of lines of the turian military handbook in his head and tried to focus on anything other than the tightness in his crotch and the shifting of his plates. He hit the call button on the elevator a few more times than necessary, silently praying that the car just got to their level already.

The doors hissed open and… “I’m just saying…” Garrus felt his faith in the spirits die a little bit as James Vega and Ashley Williams turned to face them. “Uh…”

“Hey Vega,” Garrus said, trying very hard not to slam his head into the wall. “Getting off?”

“Yeah…” The muscular marine looked at the group in front of them. “You have big plans for tonight, Scars?”

“Definitely have some very _interesting_ plans,” Shepard interrupted before Garrus could try to explain himself. "He'll be getting off too if I have anything to say about it." Well, there went the very tattered remains of his dignity.

“Right. You three have fun.” James shook his head ruefully and Ashley just brushed by them with slightly flushed cheeks. “Later Scars, Lola, Sparks.”

Garrus just ushered the two drunks onto the elevator and hit the button for the top deck. “Why me?” he muttered.


End file.
